The · Journal · of · Peace(Doom), · Love(Hate), · and · Happiness(Disdain)

For someone:

Anna Nalick - Breath (2 AM):

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to critisize,
hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in you hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breahte

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
But you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life they belong to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.

There are a great many things I've had to think about lately. School, family, friends, but the most important of them has been love. For nearly three years, I have tried to give my all to a single girl. A girl who, I know, I love with a passion deeper than anything I can imagine. Deeper than my passion for my hobbies, deeper than my passion for learning, for my quest of knowledge, for my love of my country, deeper than the passion I have for my own state. Despite this, I have not always been able to love her as wholly and completely as she deserves. I have made mistakes, a great many, and several of them were far more painful than others. I have hurt her and I have even managed to break her heart.

Despite my fairest and best attempts at trying to prevent it, I have failed to stop her from harboring resent. My greatest fear, the one I hoped would never come true, seems to be coming true before my eyes. I fear not that she has stopped loving me, but that she has a loathing and fear of me. I fear that she has already reached or may reach that point soon, where she despises and fears what we talk about to the point where she will simply do nothing any longer. What's more I know it is mostly my fault and that the pain she has attempted to cause me, although quite real, is not truly meant to tear me apart. I know that deep down she loves me, but not as much as she once did and now I fear that I cannot get that love back. I don't know what to do, I cannot take back mistakes and I do not know how to make them right. I know that time will heal her wounds, but that she needs me there to be her reinforcement.

My mistakes, which haunted me before, now haunt me to a degree of true regret. I have failed, I have failed to live up to the goals I set for myself and now the only thing I can do, is hope that I can convince her to work with me, and that together we can come up with a way to begin fixing what is broken. A way to salvage what we've let fall apart and what I've managed to stab holes into.

Ladies, gentlmen, you, I had once what was the greatest thing in the world, I know that now. Like a fool, I never realized what I had and took it for granted. Now I fear that I have managed to break it apart so it can no longer be fixed. Please, if there is someone you care about, do not follow my path, follow your heart. Talk with the person who you love, talk with the people you love. Talk to the ones you care about and listen to them, make your mistakes right or try to fix them to the point where they can be dealt with. Do not let someone great slip away, because you were too stupid, stubborn, or idiotic enough to figure out how to fix things and make them right.

I feel as though I should apologize for taking your time to read this, I'm sorry, but I thank you.

-Rob

( Read more... )

Because I'm not a biatch like Dani.

-Rob

Ok, let's make November official.

1) It is 29 days until my 21st birthday
2) If the beginning of November 1st is a reflection in any way of the month to come, it's gonna be a LONGGGGGGGGGGG damn month.
3) I'm gonna say, Halloween is the most annoying holiday of the year. Let's start with simply being seperated from my friends and girlfriend on this day. To further complicate it, I was stuck here writing an 8.5 page essay until not quite 3am. And NOW as I go to sleep, my neighbors who are normally extremely quiet and problem free are being the biggest pains in the ass. All night people have been swishing past my front door, stumbling around drunk in their apartments, and just now, at THREE-FUCKING-AM they decided to play keep away in the parking lot with a set of keys and set off the panic button on their car. Nothing to wake you up like a horn honking and lights flashing, jackasses. It's TUESDAY/Wednesday people, some of us have shit to do that isn't stumble in drunk at 3am.

Did I mention lately I freakin' hate this place?

-Rob

Nothing makes you feel quite as accomplished as writing a good essay. And nothing screams, "good", like A) Knowing it's pretty good. and B) Having to stretch the margins "beyond the printable region of the paper" to make it all fit within the 3 page requirement. DAMN I LOVE TO WRITE. At least, I love to write something that is GOOD. Finally, I can feel good about something I have done this semester, finally a sense of satisifaction...and it only took nearly 3 months to find it.

Oh well, I have another stellar essay to start writing tonight and finish tomorrow!

Did I mention I love writing good stuff? Ok, I admit it, it's not my best work, but it is easily my best work of the past 4 or 5 months.

-Rob

Well, it's been a long week and it's only Monday. I completely, utterly, and entirely failed a test today. A test I could've, should've, and can't believe I didn't pass. It's not like I didn't know the answer. Here's the deal, I had a Greek History Mid-Term today, one of two exams over the semester. I knew going in, I could and would make a solid B on the test, hopefully an A. It wasn't going to be a problem, I studied hard and was ready.

I went in, test starts 6 short answer essay identifications. No problem, I sailed through them with 5 minutes over what I needed. Time to hit the essay question, an essay question. I knew the points I needed to write about, I had them written right there on an outline. I knew everything, all I had to do was connect the dots with some good words, a little reference, some filler, finish and BLAM, A. I've done it a HUNDRED times...I've done it a hundred times folks. This time wasn't any different...

And then I couldn't do it. I wrote something atrocious. Something not worthy of being inside the $0.39 Bluebook Exam booklet I wrote it in. It was something laughable, disgusting, horrible. I should've crossed it out and wrote, "Please Fail Me" on the cover. I'm not joking folks, the question was, "Discuss the importance of land and land ownership in Greek History." I knew exactly what to write...here is essentially what I wrote,

"Land was important, because there wasn't much of it. And the people that owned it didn't own it and this caused strife. Because later on the people that didn't own the land mortgaged against the land they didn't own to make ends meet and that wasn't good. So, Solon reformed it and that was good."

I'm not fucking you, that's essentially what I wrote. I didn't mention sources, I didn't reference, I ~COULD NOT~ do it. I fucking FROZE. It took everything I had to sound like I was mentally handicapped. I just don't know what happened. I panicked, I looked at the question and I picked out some points and I wrote something. And it was bad...shit..and I was like, "Ok try again" so I wrote some more and it was shit, I mean SHIT folks...and I fucking tanked. I panicked, I couldn't write, I couldn't get the words out, I couldn't get anything to line up. It was a fucking nightmare and I just wanted to wake up, like I want to wake up from the nightmare that I live everyday, but it FUCKING HAPPENED! It wasn't a dream, it wasn't a nightmare, I lived my own worst dream. I lived my own worst nightmare...I just...I knew the answer and I couldn't write it down. For the love of god, all I had to do was write it down and my pen, my brain, my mind it wouldn't work...I was just screaming inside my head and I couldn't do anything about it.

I failed a test today, a test I should've made an A on, because my brain stopped working. My mind stopped cold in its tracks, paralyzed by what? Fear? Panic? I shouldn't panic, I've started out lousily before and I always turned it around...this time, I didn't. I wrote one page of incoherrent, crap. That's not just Rob being overly critical of himself, it was literal trash. And today, I lived my worst nightmare and I'm reliving it over and over again and there is nothing I can do...nothing.

-Rob

So, I want to thank everyone for being so kind as to be worried about me. I'm doing much better now than I was. I decided to stop sitting around being a dip shit and get off my ass and doing something. That IS why I came here, isn't it? I mean I came to become a better person, being depressed and emo doesn't accomplish that.

For now, school continues to be, bleh. Well, for the most part classes are ok, and the rest of school is actually entertaining. I went last night to a pep rally (yea...seriously, Rob at a pep rally) and actually enjoyed myself. I've finally started running and it is really making me feel better. I've only been running for a couple of days but already I feel better and I can tell my mood is elevated. Hell, I'm even excited about things now, ok not excited, but at least interested.

I really need to clean my apartment, wash dishes, and catch up on school work. I guess I'll get started on that tonight.

Thanks to all of you. Somedays I really do want to be rid of all of you for the misery you put me through, but when I need you guys, I know you're there...that's probably why I've spared you for so long. :P

-Rob

Holy Shit...I can cook!

No seriously, edible food. I know you don't believe me, but it's true, I can cook. Just from the last two days let me give you a break down of dinner:

Last night: Chicken Ramen Deluxe. I marinated three small chicken breasts (total weight 1 pound), in worchester sauce with black pepper for 20 minutes. I then baked the chicken in the oven at 350 degrees for 35 minutes. I took a block of Oriental flavored Ramen noodles (yes the $0.13 ones), boiled the noodles until soft. I then drained the noodles, washed them under hot tap water (washes away that assload of sodium), and mixed in 1/3 of the flavor package to the noodles. I sauteed some veggies (onions, bell pepper, greens) with about a teaspoon of butter mixed in until they reached my desired done'ness. I put the noodles on the bottom, served my thoroughly cooked chicken on top (1 1/2 pieces), and topped it with the veggies. For the final splash of flavoring a little bit of Lite soy sauce.

Tonight: Rob's 20 minute Fajitas. I used 1 pound of stir-fry style pork and marinated it for 10 minutes in fajita marinade. I then tossed it in a skillet with 1/2 a white onion diced and cooked until nearly done. I then tossed in last night's left over chicken after dicing it up small and poured a little of the marinade into the skillet while cooking. I cooked until done and served on flour tortillas, with salsa, and a little bit of sharp cheddar on top. Muy rico! Makes enough for two meals, depending on how much you eat.

-Rob <--Who apparently has a hidden talent.

Update for those who are reading. I haven't been here for a month yet, but I'm starting to get pretty bored with life here. I'm quite positive that after 9 months of living here, something is going to have to change in the way things are working, maybe sooner. School is fine, infact school is about the only thing of interest in my entire life here. Despite being in a city filled with tons and intersting things to do, the simple fact is...those things don't interest me. Live music, liberal news papers, festivals, clubs, beer...these are NOT the interests of my life...and I guess just never will be.

I knew this wasn't the town for me, but I guess I thought things would work out with school. I figured I'd be busy with school and trying to make it...it turns out it's not that much harder than it was before and I'm getting pretty bored pretty fast. This coupled with that feeling that I'm just wasting time. I want to get into a field I love and GO...I want to bypass this shit. The "best years of your life" or whatever they say is really bullshit. The best years of my life will be where I'm happy and not depressed, bored, and tired all the time. Where I don't feel like a zombie and I have people around me who I love all the time.

I'm just going to say it. This place sucks, I always maintained that it would, but it sucks more than I thought it would...

Oh well, back to my regularly scheduled program...time to go to sleep and then get up in the morning and go to work...err school...whatever.

-Rob

So, classes start tomorrow. I'm starting to get a little anxious, I guess. I mean of all the things here in Austin, class is the only thing I look forward to really. My first class is probably going to be my favorite and it's probably going to tell me by the end of the semester whether I'll become an archeologist or start talking to those FBI recruiter guys and looking down other paths. Oh well, should be interesting to say the least.

Wish me luck!

-Rob     

Austin, land of the weird, home of the twice as weird.

I'm here in my apartment with my DSL working now (yay!).

So, three...no four days here now and I'm starting to adjust. The last couple of days I've gone on bike rides, to the campus and back to explore and figure out the way. Getting the three miles there is the easy part....coming the three miles home is the hard part. :) Great exercise though...I'm sure before too long I'll have some real stamina built up, if I could stop eating twice as much from burning so many calories...:/

Anyways, people need to come and visit, it's lonely here....and there is an assload of stuff to do. Clubs, bars, restaraunts, movie theater, live theater, bookstores, cool stores, tons and tons of stuff to do. Enough stuff my days, SHOULD be full...but I miss you guys and having no one to explore with just makes it kind of boring. Alas, I'm making the best of it.

-Rob

PS: I'm on Yahoo with my webcam now. theancientswalk , on yahoo come check it out, I'll give you the virtual tour!        

By the time most of you read this, I will be on my way, or even in Austin. Today, technically, is moving day. People keep asking me if I'm excited...and I just want to say, "Would you be excited to leave the girl you love, the people you love, the town you love, and the place you're most comfortable?" To which I must respond, "No, I didn't think so."

I guess though, I'm sort of ready. I sat at dinner tonight with my family for the last time, but not really. I felt like there would be more dinners and times together, just in a different way. I guess, that I finally do realize that this new chapter of my life, is just picking up where the old one stopped, not somewhere in between.

I kept thinking to myself, "I should be sad and nostalgic." I mean, I AM going to miss everyone and everything, but I then thought, "Well, I will be back.". I'm not leaving forever and I'm coming back whenever I want or can. It's just a temporary dislocation of my physical being to a place where I can better myself. For that I'm glad. I want to be a better person, more grown up, better educated. For this opportunity, I have worked hard and I don't want to throw it away, I can't.

I'm glad I'm not like Dante from Clerks....always waiting to start his life instead of doing it. I'm glad to be going after my dreams and hopes, but I'm really...really sad to have to give up having you guys around me all the time, to do it. I don't feel it's fair, but things have to be done.

To all of you, I love you guys, I'm really going to miss home, but I'll still be here...and there...and home too.

Peace, Love, Caffiene,

-Rob     

To those who it concerns the following is an open invitation:

I am having a gathering of my friends, as a send off to myself. The date is August 11th or 12th (TBA) and the event is a gathering to watch Snakes on a (Mutha-F'in) Plane...sometime in the evening around 10pm-12am whenever the showing is that best fits schedules.

Bring friends and cash...I expect to get paid well for having to deal with you psychos. :P

Ok seriously though, I would love to have as many people as possible come out and have a good time, before I leave.

-Rob

PS: Dani that LJ comment was SO needed.

PPS: FYI I'm leaving August 18th.     

So, I came here to write an apology to two friends, but then I got here and I find only angry tones. I'm sorry to my friends for interfering, I really only want you to be happy and enjoy life, I should've just left you alone, for that I am sorry.

I'm done.

-Rob     

Ok, so I thought I'd just make a random post highlighting a few points:

1) Empty water bottles have useful purposes...
2) Don't let siblings borrow or steal batteries.
3) Driving a car with a manual transmission is a LOT of fun, once remember how to do it.
4) Dani, tell David to call me when/if you talk to him before tomorrow morning (today is the 26th)
5) If you've really loved a woman, you can feel her in your blood.
6) I paid my rent this week.
7) I paid tuition this week.
8) I'm tired, but doing good.
9) I need to pack...a BUNCH of shit

Ok that's all....see you guys later...

-Rob     

-Rob

I feel like I should post something but I'm bored.

I'm in love with a girl...and sometimes she drives me crazy, but I love her anyway.

I've got more best friends than I can shake a stick at and none of them ever call me...

I don't want to change, but I change anyway.

Work sucks, life is a bitch, then you die and someone buries you ass up, so they can park their bicycle.

I wonder if people like me, dislike me, or just tolerate me...

Then I realized I really don't care.

I'm tired.

I've been particularly bitchy this week.

I want to finish my car.

I'm TRYING to finish my car.

Work is tiring and hot.

I'm not even sure if I'm ready to move yet, but I'm moving anyways...

I ordered a new computer today...

I'm going to bed.

-Rob

Meme stolen from Dani...

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.	✓ I don't watch much TV these days.	✓ I own lots of books.
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.	✓ I love to play video games.	× I've tried marijuana.
✓ I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	× I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
✓ I curse sometimes.	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	✓ I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

( it goes on... )

Cars is the greatest Disney/Pixar movie, ever.

Cars is one of the greatest car movies, ever.

Go watch it, now, or regret it, forever.

-Rob